As we do, we create a life in our heads that blossoms our thoughts, of which generally gives us hope. ‘I will one day’ we will say, or ‘if I keep trying’. The only problem is the ‘now’, the present and the prejudice that ‘now’ brings. I am who I am in the now, not who I aspire to be or where I will be, but no one knows that and no one considers how important the person you wish to be is. Life ticks by so fast that I guess we can only look at someone and consider them for who they are in that moment.
But when I think about the things I want, the lifestyle I’d like, I cant place my finger on any one key, each one sounds right, the only problem is they don’t all go well together and this is where I suddenly get confused or get ‘life anxiety’, because I never really start hitting any one key.
I want that old vintage sports car to drive about at sunrise, with the top down and wind battling my face as I sweep along winding roads around the coast. I want an old colonial Spanish house, awash with green life. I want my friends to be around me all day long. I want a girl who takes care of herself first but is the first person to encourage me and takes my hand to squeeze it with the zest of both our lives. I want the day to day meetings with interesting and different people. I want to learn things I never even knew existed and yes I want to meet successful actors and musicians and cultural figures, because their journey’s I’m sure would yet inspire my own.
The only problem is of ‘now’.
I see my self doing things, being somewhere, with someone, yet then I think of the present and how dull it sometimes seems compared to all those fantasies, will they all be what I needed, what I felt would be right for me. It might seem right for someone acting out on screen, but when I say I want his life, will it really suit me…and all this, all this provocation of how I should be living. I’ve boiled all this down to one poisonous feeling.
Its not jealousy or envy although that’s sometimes how it starts. It’s the arrow tip laced with Fear. Fear of passing through your dreams but never stopping off. And that very fear is what suffocates action towards attaining everything you’d hope for. So fear, I need you to fuck off for a while, because your noose around my neck feels a little tight and I need some room to breathe.